Wordless Wednesday

Numb

I cried yesterday. Buckets.

Today, I just feel numb. Which I guess on some level is better because crying is exhausting.

Tomorrow I have my follow-up appointment with my RE. I doubt he'll have the results of the karyotyping. I know he won't give me any answers until he does. I've spent the last three weeks worrying and wondering what could have gone wrong. At the moment, there are only three options: chromosomal abnormality, immunological issue, and who the hell knows? Sometimes, I wonder which would be the worst. But I haven't quite figured it out yet.

My sister is going with me. I would have asked my mother, but she's just as angry, and I don't really trust her to keep calm and reasonable. J would have gone, but he said if they were only going to do an ultrasound and bloodwork, he'd rather skip it as he has a busy work day. I totally understand, but there's a part of me that wishes he would go anyway.

I've always loved my RE, but after the last miscarriage I'm really angry at him. I wish I knew what to tell him.

I wish I had some answers.

Everyone's Scared of Me....

My mom and my sister have let me know, in no uncertain terms, that people are terrifed to talk to me because they don't know what to say and because I've made it clear I don't want to talk.

Let me clarify, the reason that I don't want to talk is because I don't want to listen to stupidities, no matter how much love and kindness they are wrapped up in.

Now is not the time to tell me:

Maybe God is using this so that you devote all the love you have inside to your new niece. Thanks, mom, but right now I'm using all the love in my heart to love the three babies I've lost in six months. And as a personal aside, I wish God would use something else to teach me a lesson. I'm a fast learner. A nice note instead of two IVF miscarriages in six months would've done the trick.

You're brother and SIL want you to be the godmother - and it's not because you don't have children of your own! I KNOW being a godparent is an honor and a blessing, but I was hoping to choose godparents for my own children. Right now, being a godparent (again! What can I say, I am pretty awesome) hurts more than anyone can know.

I know you're going through hell right now, but.... Um, no. "But" should never follow, "I know you're going through hell." The only thing that should follow I know you're going through hell is, I'm here for you.

If you just think positively, it will happen. If I could will my babies back, I would do so in a heartbeat. If I could The Secret myself into a natural and healthy pregnancy, I would. Positive thinking (and prayer at this point -why hello, crisis of faith) have gotten me no further than misery.

You need to put this behind you and move forward. It's been three weeks since I lost the twins, six months since I lost Isabella. I've experienced a loss. I'll move forward when I'm ready. Right now I'm grieving. Let me do it.

And they wonder why I don't want to talk to people.